First Encounter with Depression
My first personal exposure to depression came in 2021 when I was officially diagnosed. I did not understand it at the time; I only felt it. In retrospect, when I think about that phase today, it feels like it happened decades ago. The memories are there, but they seem vague. Fast-forward to today, and with all the understanding, knowledge, learning, and discussions that happened in this 10-week journey, I was made to revisit that phase and to recollect all that I had forgotten.
The Dark Phase
When I go down the memory lane, I remember my old home – a room- a bed – my work table next to it, and I see myself lying on the bed with the door closed. This image stays in my mind perpetually. All I did at that time was sit at my table and work (because I had to, not because I wanted to) and then come to bed and scroll or sleep (“behavioral symptoms”). I did not feel like talking, speaking, meeting, or doing anything at all. Everything felt heavy (“emotional symptoms”) – everything felt like a burden. A feeling of constriction in the chest enveloped me day in and day out. I do not remember anything more, just the fact that I was numb to everything and everyone.
Depression as Forced Rest
This must have gone on for months, I do not remember, but then I started to speak about it with a friend (via messages) who was a psychologist. I wanted someone to tell me why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Pain was not unfamiliar to me, but this was different. I think she must have asked me about events that happened before I started to feel this way (“triggers”), and I must have mentioned to her about the 2 back-to-back events (“precipitating events”). I also remember losing all interest in my work – as if suddenly it meant nothing to me. What followed was months of contemplation (an opportunity which I would not have had if I had not been depressed) and looking hard at my life and what I was doing with it. Depression was a forced rest (inactivity) for me to eventually focus on areas of my life that I had ignored for a very long time. And thus began a journey of healing in ways unimagined!
Spiritual Crisis & Awakening
It was not a physical issue. It was not a mental issue. It was a spiritual issue. I had to face it. I was living meaninglessly, believing this is how life is supposed to be lived. The 9-5 rut, the golden handcuffs, the unending cycle. I got diagnosed in November 2021, but before that, I knew what the first step I would have to take to break this cycle. I decided to not only resign from my job but also from my so-called high-priced career. I began therapy after I resigned because I knew I would not begin to heal in the environment I was being poisoned by. I could not leave my home (which was a constant source of trauma), but I could leave my job (even when everyone around me thought I had lost my mind-although none knew what I was going through).
It Has to Get Worse Before It Gets Better
I resigned in December 2021, and I remember the feeling. A burden offloaded. And I knew I had done the right thing; I knew it in my bones that I was not silly or reactionary. I was doing what I should have done long back – it got delayed because the pain did not get severe.
What followed was a journey into the self (romantic – it sounds, I know), but for the first time in my life, I was not on autopilot. I was not in a race. I was not ignoring my soul for cash. I was intentional. And I began to heal (not by techniques), but by understanding that my soul was not for sale. Everyone around me used to think very highly of me only because of my profession – this is why I attached my heart to it – this is why it became a poison- this is why I had to detach from it to heal. And detachment led me to go in a direction unimagined – Islamic psychology-Bela Khan-Solace-And finally this course, which ultimately completed the circle!
Depression for me was a calling from my soul, a blessing from Allah SWT. He blessed me with it so that He could bring me to Him. I would not have chosen the pain; I would not have detached unless He had not made it possible for me. All praise is for Him, because His plans may not make sense to us when we are in the depths of the well, but when we are in the palace (“of our un-constricted hearts”), it kind of makes complete sense.
Key Reflection
Throughout this course, I reflected on my own journey with depression, the coaching clients I come across, and my observations of the world and the people around me – and I have understood three key things.
- Our world is increasingly being designed for us to be depressed. It is happening in very subtle ways, so no one is getting alarmed. Screens have chained us, our choices, our routines, and we are lost in a world of consumption, whether it is content or products. This has put us in a “race” for pleasure, where things have to be “material” for it to matter. We have isolated ourselves, do not meet others, help others, be there for others, because the dopamine hit is not really happening from these activities anymore. Now, the hit comes from consumption and not connection. A pandemic of loneliness envelopes us, and then we scroll to take away the feelings of isolation; consequently, we end up trapped in the vicious cycle of chasing fake pleasure.
- The further the distance away from fitrah-based life, the more depressed we become. Our sleep-wake cycles are compromised; we sleep when we are supposed to rise and then wonder why there is no barakah in our lives anymore. Add to it the pleasure of watching a series and finishing it in one night, and sleep loses its significance. Once sleep loses its significance, lethargy becomes a part and parcel of life, and then we wait for motivation to kick in so that we can get on with our goals. It’s a cycle of deception and heedlessness, and we have signed up for it willingly.
- In a world that is hyper-fixated on the intellect and emotions (especially in secular therapy), the heart & soul are screaming. Healing is not complete if it is not holistic. Humans cannot heal if they are compartmentalized and labelled and merely left to secular diagnostic tools. I often think that if DSM (The so-called bible of secular therapy) did not exist, hypothetically, or if there was a DSM designed by Muslims (Insha Allah, praying for it though), what would be the primary criteria for someone to be diagnosed? Would it consider mood and functionality as primary dimensions or the condition of the heart & soul? The distance it feels from its Lord? The extent of ghaflah it is involved in? For my case, the roots existed in the spiritual domain, and I am sure for many, this is the case. This signifies the necessity for Muslim mental health professionals to think from an angle that secular therapy does not propagate. To keep the manuals on the side for some time, and connect with the human sitting across as a slave of Allah SWT, wanting to find his way back, and not just a client!
Gratitude
Jazakallahu khairan to Sr. Bela for this course, the effort she has put into teaching us with all her heart, and to equip us with the knowledge and the tools so that we can be of benefit to others or ourselves. May Allah SWT reward you immensely. Ameen.
I would recommend this course for anyone who is struggling with depression, taking care of someone who is, mental health professionals, or anyone who wants to deepen their understanding on a holistic view of depression.
Written by: Alumni of ‘Depression: You Can Conquer it’ Course
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